Why me?
by Kisses.in.the.dark95
Summary: Hey everyone, can you please read this it will explain why i haven't been updating so much. Lissa has been diagnosed with Leukaemia for the third time. What will Rose do if she loses the closest person to her. Warning Self harm. OOC and all human please just read.


**So this is going to be a one shot based on things going on in my life at the moment. Yes it's another depressing story but this is what's going on with me. I will update everything else when I get the chance and I've wrapped my head around . Xxx I love you all KissesInTheDark95.**

***SUMMARY* **

**All human. Lissa has leukaemia and is slowly dying. She has had it since they were 6 years old. The girls have been best friends since they were 5 and at 16 Lissa dropped out of school. Now 17 years old Rose doesn't know what to do with her life she is lost and scared about the future.**

It's been a year since Lissa left school and 2 years since she was diagnosed with leukaemia for the third time. First at age 6 when neither of us had a clue what it was, then again at age 14 when she told me I freaked out my best friend could die I locked myself in a changing room without a door knob. This time around though it seemed like she stopped caring about everything and everyone. She isn't going to fight it. It's been a year since she left school but I still wait for out front of our form or home room whatever you want to call it. Last year before we left that was where we promised to always meet each other and now I still wait there every morning praying that one day her mum will just drop her off. My other friends don't understand why I still wait there, they've all given up on her or forgotten what she looks like, but I will never forget her.

I go to school, I go to work, I keep living my life although she isn't in it much anymore. I try to find time for her but with my busy schedule and hers it's hard to make time. On weekends I go to work and 9/10 on a Sunday night I'll work with my boyfriend Dimitri. I fell for him when I started working here over a year and a half ago but we only just started dating. He is sweet caring and kind and I trust him with everything. Tasha is my friend at work, she knows all my secrets. She knows that in the past 2 weeks that I have started cutting myself again. She knows that I hardly eat anymore because I'm stressed and worried about everything. She knows that in the past week I cut myself 8 times each time deeper than the last. She is the only one that I told that I lost a little too much blood that night and I got dizzy. I didn't tell my parents, they wouldn't have cared anyway. Sometimes I lie awake at night and ponder what it would be like if I just killed myself.

A few weeks ago I texted Lissa asking if she wanted to hang out. I never got a reply from her. The next day I got a phone call from her mum. She told me that I better sit down because the news she was about to give me will be shocking. I sat like I was told I could hear the tears in her voice. She was like a mother to me just like Lissa's siblings were like my own.

"Rosie," She started off. She was the only that called me that now. Every time anyone else said it I wanted to cry. "I'm so sorry, Lissa, she passed away last night. I… I'm so sorry." She was apologising for something that wasn't her fault.

"It's ok." I tried to reassure her but my voice faltered as I spoke. "I love you and I will come and visit you as soon as I can." I hung up the phone and cried so much that night.

The next morning I didn't want to go to school. No one besides me knew that Lissa had passed and I couldn't tell anyone. I wanted to but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. If I kept them in that meant that it wasn't true. I went to school and work and carried on with my life. I cut myself deep and hard for a few nights. I went to work and Dimitri saw them. He asked what was wrong and I broke down crying and told him everything. I told my mum and dad that night as well. I felt terrible. I hadn't seen her in 3 months and when I finally decided that I had time for her she can't because she died.

My life went on even though I wanted to go back in time. I had to carry on. I went to work a few weeks later and Dimitri broke up with me and moved on with Tasha. He told me I was a mess. I visited Lissa's family. That made things worse. I hope that one day I can move on out of this state but I never want to forget. When I have children I want to tell them all about their aunt Lissa and how she was an amazing person. One day I know that I will be able to smile and laugh again, I just don't want that day to come too soon nor do I ever want to lose our memories. I visited her grave once a week I'd sit down next to her and talk to her. I would tell her how much I missed her and how she inspired me. I look back at the pictures. My favourite is the one of the two of us with shaved heads. She was going to have to go through chemo and didn't want to be bald, so for my birthday I did the shave for a cure. I shaved my hair off, at the time my hair was in the middle of my back and when I did it she was standing right in front of me with tears in her eyes. I remember it like it was yesterday but that was 4 years ago.

The other day I wrote 2 song whilst sitting with her, they're both about her.

_I've no longer go that spark in my eyes  
Everything is falling apart and I can't stop  
Just wanna lie here and let the darkness sweep over me  
Let it take who I am who I was and who I'm gonna be  
Leave no part of me in this crazy world  
I don't think I could survive another day here without you  
So take my hand and I will follow you  
Drag me along and I will go anywhere for you  
Anywhere that your heart desires  
Just know that I am here for one purpose hun  
And that's to be by your side forever  
Your time came at such a tender age  
I couldn't bear to live without you  
So when you fell I wanted to as well  
But no one would let me go  
They spent hours on me trying to keep me alive  
But they never even helped you  
I wish that I was the one in your place  
You should be here with your family  
This world doesn't need me you see  
But your smile lit up everyone's day  
When everyone said rest in peace  
I was singing wont you please come back  
I don't know how I'll survive another day  
You were my rock you kept me sane  
Now that you gone I'm losing my mind  
With all of these unanswered questions  
The what ifs and how comes and bargaining  
Cause at the end of the end of the day your still watching over me  
I'm down here losing my mind without you  
So wont you please come back_

And the other song that I keep close to me at all times.

_I miss the way we used laugh  
Miss the way you could make me smile  
When I couldn't feel anything at all  
You were always there for me  
Every time I needed you hand  
You held it out strong  
You picked me up off of the ground  
Dusted me off handed me my crown  
When I needed you, you were always there  
You made me feel like I was perfect  
Every time I called your name  
You came running from miles away  
You were my angel, the one I needed  
You'd hold me in your arms  
While I sat and cried the pain away  
You picked me up off of the ground  
Dusted me off handed me my crown  
When I needed you, you were always there  
You made me feel like I was perfect  
But the one time that you needed me  
I was selfish I pulled away  
I acted like I didn't have a care in the world  
All I know is that I was afraid  
Thinking back now I wish I wish I gave you my hand  
I would give anything to have you back here  
You picked me up off of the ground  
Dusted me off handed me my crown  
When I needed you, you were always there  
You made me feel like I was perfect  
Now its my turn to pick you up  
Give you my hand and take you into my arms  
You can Cry the pain away as long as you know  
I'm here for you my friend  
I picked you up off of the ground  
Dusted you off, handed you your crown  
When you needed me I came running  
I make you feel like you were perfect._

Not a day goes by that I don't feel guilty for not being by her side. I wish I could tell her how much I loved her and I never wanted to abandon her, our lives just got to crazy. I blame myself a million times over. I pray to god every night ask why it was her and not me. She deserved to live, where as I have done so many things wrong it would make sense for me to take her place. I tried bargaining for so long, that if he would just let this be a dream he could take me instead but it never worked. I kept her alive inside of me by visiting her. I told her how Dimitri cheated on me with Tasha and I only found out a few days ago. I keep her up to date with everything. I love you forever and you will always be with me in my heart I know, I will keep our memories alive for the two of us. I hope that where ever you are you are waiting for me. I'll miss you forever and a day until I see you again, I will never forget you. I'm trying to get better, I'm trying to eat again and stop cutting but I should be in pain every day for the rest of my life for not being there for you when you needed me. I'm so sorry and I hope you will forgive me. Not a day goes by that I don't think _why am I still here without you? I can't survive in this crazy world alone._

**So that's my story. I miss her like crazy everyday and I find it hard to move on in my life, it's like everything I crumbling around me.. I need her here with me, I need her here to keep me sane. I hope that sometime soon I wake up and realise that this was all a dream. Please don't steal my songs it broke my heart to write them and she s the only one to have heard me sing. I remember when we were 14 and she asked me to help plan her funeral. She made me promise that I would sing Missing You by First Lady. At night I listen to that song on repeat. People tell me I need to move on with my life but its hard to explain that someone that I would donate my heart to just so she could live another day never got a chance to live a full life. Thank you for reading this xxxx god bless you all.**


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